Talking to my past self.

A few days ago, I was watching tv...  or reading an article...  maybe it was a commercial? about going back in time and giving advice to your younger self.  So then I started thinking about what I would tell myself.  I've certainly made my fair share of mistakes, and experienced plenty of pain, wouldn't it be great if I could avoid all that? If I could prepare myself for Aiden's death?  Save up enough money to NOT have to move to that crappy apartment on Soranno ave?  The more I though about it, though, the more I realized that I really didn't want to do any of that.  Nothing that I could have said then, or could say now, makes Aiden's death any easier or more fair or less traumatic.  Nothing was going to make that be all better.  And I know I wouldn't want to have changed how I treated him, like he was different from the other kids, or more fragile or (god forbid) try to distance myself from him so it wouldn't hurt as badly.  As for the mistakes that I've made in my life, it's really hard to sit back now and wish that I hadn't done them.  If I hadn't settled and dated someone that I knew wasn't right for me for so long, I wouldn't have realized what's really important to me in a relationship.  Hell, what's really important in life!  Struggling with finances is how I learned how to be more responsible with money.  Living by myself in a crappy apartment taught me how to be independent and how to throw myself into what I'm passionate about.  Moving to Monterey (even though I totally couldn't afford it) forced me out of my comfort zone.  I had to go be social, even when that was kinda scary, because I needed to make friends.  I had to ask for help when I knew I really needed it, and accept it graciously.  Living with Carina and Lesley taught me how to be a better roommate (something I'm sure my husband is appreciating).  If I had prevented myself from screwing up, would I still be here?  Would I know what I do? Would I be the same person?  I really don't know, and that's far scarier than living off ramen for a few months.  I like where I am; I like who I am.  Ok, so obviously I can't tell myself any specific advice, because there's no way I'd risk not being here, now, but what about more general advice?  I thought maybe I could just tell myself not to worry, because it'll all be ok in the end.  The thing is though, I was always mostly sure that it would, so then I'd just be telling myself something that I already knew, which seems like a waste of time travel.  Even if could remove that last lingering "what if?" doubt, I don't think I'd want to.  Doing things that make you nervous and scared is part of becoming an adult.  The only people out there who are completely sure that it'll be ok are the 5 year olds playing in the mud.  What I finally came up with, what I do wish I had done more is to just try harder.  Not even at anything specific, just in general.  Try to be a better employee.  Try to keep my frogs healthier.  Try to write more often.  I think the extra struggle that I'd give myself would have helped me out a lot.  When I was living in Pacific Grove I was a waitress and an amateur herpetologist.  Not huge claims to fame, I know, but that's who I was.  It's what I spent most of my days on (when I wasn't out running around Big Sur with the boy).  Moving here, both of those ended, and I realized that I didn't have a whole lot else going on.  I don't mean to say that I'm less of a person, or anything like that, but I didn't realize just how much my personal identity was tied with what I do, and not having anything to do was really hard.  It would've been easier if I was better at doing things that I'm not good at.  It all seems so silly and common sense!  I like writing, so why not write more blogs?  I like being outside, so why not go for more walks during the day?  I like science, so why not read more books?  Somehow that never really occurred to me, so I'd sit at home, bored and getting depressed, because I had "nothing to do," which is just such bull!  I have plenty to do!  I just need to go out and actually do it!  I'm not sure how much sense any of this is making, it seems awfully rambly to me, but eh.  At least I wrote something?  Besides, it's easy to get distracted when Futurama is on and the baby keeps kicking me.