The Itch

As you all know, I love reading.  When I was a kid, I spent a large percentage of my days up in a tree, or curled under a blanket, or even walking around reading.  I remember one year in elementary school we had some kind of contest to see who could read the most.  I read more than everyone else combined.  The teacher thought I cheated (I think this was 4th grade?  Maybe 5th?).

I didn't.  I just loved books.  I still do.  Books are great.  The entire universe can be found within their pages.  They aren't confined by reality either.  So when I say the whole universe, I mean everything, real or imagined.  Past, present, or future.  Things that definitely did happen, maybe could conceivably happen, and things so crazy and defying all logic and physics that within a book is the only place to find them.  I both love and hate that about books.  They are so big, it's easy to get lost in them.  Sometimes this is a good thing.  All my favorite books are ones that I've gotten lost in.

But that's the tricky part.  You get lost.  So what happens when you put the book down?  Where are you?  If you're like me, you're not quite sure.  For lack of a better term, I call this feeling itchy, because I really don't know a better way to put it.  It's not uncomfortable enough to be called painful, but it sure isn't pleasant either.  Grand epics take place in books.  Even ones that are only about a relationship or book store or friendship or whatever.  They're all wonderful stories.  And you get lost in them.  So lost that sometimes, when you stop reading, it's hard to remember where you are now, what you're supposed to be doing, and what your life is like.

It's so easy to put down a book and say "Awesome!  Now I want to go on my grand adventure!"  But real life adventures never feel like the ones in books. I recently got married, moved to Hawaii, and had a baby.  I travel nearly constantly.  I'm busy teaching myself how to cook, and trying to teach the baby how to turn into a good person.  These are adventures.  When we go out for a walk we never know what we'll see.  Sometimes it's something obnoxious (like the group of kids who all got pellet guns for Christmas and have been hanging out in our cup-de-sac (which is different from most, as I have to drive through it to get to our house) shooting at the trees, lizards, and each other), sometimes it's something beautiful (like the tiniest baby day gecko I'd ever see, or the amazing patterns the clouds get while being whipped around by the trade winds), but those walks are my daily adventure.

It's just, sometimes they don't feel like it.  Sometimes when I put a book down, my world feels so very small, so very repetitive and ordinary and boring.  I feel trapped.  This feeling only intensifies when I think about the fact that I am on a pretty small island in the middle of a large ocean, and leaving the island requires hundreds of dollars and planning and packing and time and energy.

It's the energy that's so hard to come by.  Everyone has the same amount of time, so when I look at people who are my age and are Accomplishing things, people who are Adventurous, people who are Important, I wonder how on earth they managed to get all that done when I was barely able to do a load of laundry.  My theory is that these people were just born with more energy.  I only have the energy for so much activity in one day, and today we had to go to Target.  No starting an exciting new business or learning to paint or saving the world for me. I just need some dish detergent.

I was talking about this to my dear friend and she asked a very valid question that I realized that I didn't have an answer for.  She asked "Do you want to squelch the itch or scratch it?" I don't know.  I know that I love the space that's found in books, and that after reading, I feel a keen sense of loss that I don't have it, but would I rather that sense be gone and I can live my ordinary life happily, or that I actually do go on some grand adventure?  Honestly, do I even want either of those?  The first requires such ignorance, the second so much work.  And I really am happy with my ordinary life.  I understand that my life is far more exciting than a lot of people's, too. It's just that, after being exposed to something so much bigger and grander, it sorta makes me feel itchy, you know?

Dare To Dream

Ok, this is a quick one.

I just opened a Dove chocolate (with caramel, yum!) and inside the saying was "Dare to Dream."  Dare to Dream is a stupid saying.  It really, really is.  We all dream.  Whether we want to or not.  Often when we're unconscious (how daring!), but I would wager my car that at least 95% of us daydream too.  It doesn't require any effort to dream.  It doesn't risk anything.  The saying should be "Dare to ACT on your dreams."  Which is still usually wrong, I know most of my dreams are ludicrous, but at least then it would be a teensy bit inspiring.  Dreaming of being a writer?  That doesn't mean jack until you start writing.  Dreaming of climbing a mountain? That won't make your feet move.  Dreaming of becoming a great chef?  Then stop making ramen for lunch everyday! We all dream.  That is not impressive or daring or worth mentioning in a Dove chocolate wrapper.  But not everyone does anything about their dreams.

Rant over.

Things I want

A list, in no particular order, of things that I really, really, really want.

We'll start with the most urgent one.  I want to sleep in until 7am.  That's all.  That's not asking too much, right?  It's not like I'm saying I want to get to spend a lazy day in bed where I only get up to get coffee or go pee.  Just, to sleep, glorious, glorious sleep, until 7am.  This whole 5am nonsense?  Yeah, the kid needs to knock that off immediately.  Especially on days when Joe has to go in to work early and can't take him downstairs for an hour while I try to close my eyes again.

I would also like a magic wand that I can wave over the floor and make all the ants disappear.  "Now, Susie," I can hear you saying, "they do make things that do that.  Brooms and vacuums and such."  The thing is, I sweep the kitchen floor every morning.  I have to.  Because otherwise I'd step on thousands on dead, dying, or somewhere in between ants just to get to the coffee machine.  And dammit, I need coffee. I'm not including that on the list because that's a need, not a want, and it's a need that I actually do get, so yay!  But the ants have got to go.  Have you ever lived anywhere that's infested with anything?  It's the worst.  We have spray and gel and pellets and even special chalk that we're using to try to get these damn things under control, but there's only so much you can do, especially with cats who like to do things like lick walls and eat bits of...  stuff....  off the floor.  We've asked our landlord about getting someone professional in here to take care of it, but being typical Sam, has asked that we give the ortho home defense stuff another week or so to see if it works first.  Whatever.  We need Dale's Dead Bug!

A day with a high of 75.  I'm sure a lot of people can sympathize on this one.  And I'm sure a lot of people are like "what the heck?  At least it's only 85 where you are!" To them, I say, Yes.  It is only 85.  It was 85 today, it was 85 yesterday, and it will be 85 tomorrow.  And it's also humid.  And sticky.  And OMG for once I want to feel cool air in my lungs that hasn't had all the moisture stripped out from the air conditioner that we can't even run because $300 electric bills are so not ok.  I got so spoiled in Pacific Grove with it's nice cool weather.  Lots of people complained about that, but I loved it.  And anytime I wanted it to be hot?  Easy peasy!  All I had to do was drive 20 mins north or east to get completely different weather.  It was awesome. I miss it.

You know how sometimes it's so great to be able to get into your car and drive somewhere different?  We don't get to do that.  Stupid island.  I mean sure, we can drive to the other side of the island, but that's not the same thing.  I want to actually go somewhere, not just drive in circles.

And last, but certainly not least, I want a really awesome supportive husband.  The kind of guy who tells me how much he loves me all throughout the day.  The one who texts "It's so hard to leave in the morning when Maxwell's being all cute and smiley!" and who can tell by the look on my face when he walks through that door that tonight, we are having frozen pizza for dinner and that's totally ok, and not only that, but once I finish feeding the baby he offers to go get me a nice cold beer.  Of course, I totally have this one, so yay!  End on a positive note!  Although I really wish my awesome husband and I could sleep in until 7, then get up and make coffee in our clean kitchen, to spend a lovely day driving with the cool breeze blowing to somewhere different.

Easy baby vs. crying baby

I do not have an easy baby. I was soo hoping I would, and at times, he's great.  Like whenever there's someone here to help.  The week Mom and Dad were here? Perfect happy angel! Ok, true, the first day my grandmother was here he definitely wasn't on his best behavior, but generally, he's good.  When it's just us? I should post a picture of all the scratches he's given me while completely hysterical. He now spends more than half his waking hours crying (and the other half on the verge of tears), and only naps in the morning.  I find myself looking at him, more than a little scared, like a ticking time bomb, ready to go off at any moment. We take turns walking around with him, patting his back, whispering soothing words in his ear, while the other person tries to eat or sit down or go to the bathroom.  When he's crying because he's hungry or has a dirty diaper or even just because he's not in the exact position he wants to be, it's ok.  We know there's a reason, and even if the solution is something we can't do (like hold him over our shoulder with one arm and pat his back with our other, while pacing the living room, for hours), we understand.  But when we have no idea? Or he's just tired? God, that is so frustrating!! All we want is for him to be happy, and when we can't make him happy (or at least quiet, let's be honest, when we're ready for bed we start feeling a little selfish and we just want him to Be Quiet!), it's heartbreaking!

But before you get all worried about me feeling overwhelmed or something, let me assuage your concerns! Because all that, all the crying and frustrations and lack of sleep, it's all ok.  He makes it ok everytime he looks up at me and his whole body lights up in a huge smile.  I say body, because seriously, he manages to smile with his toes. He can't talk yet, he can't even really laugh, but when he smiles like that he's so clearly saying "Mom! You are the most amazing person ever and you make me so happy! I love you!" And thats just about the best feeling ever.  Even when he's crying he's telling me how much he loves me.  Well, sometimes anyway.  Not so much when he's flipping out and is ll tense and scratching me, but when he's on my shoulder and is gripping my arm like it's the only thing he needs, I like that. It feels like even though he's upset, he's relying on me and trusts that I'll make it better.  Or right now! You'll have to forgive the typos, because I'm typing this one handed. In the other hand, all curled up and sweet, is a napping baby.  The hard moments make the good ones all the more sweeter and appreciated.

Like I said, he is not an easy baby, and I really hope my next one is easier (all this practice soothing a crying baby has to be good for something, right?), but I wouldn't change him for anything!  Even if I am awfully hungry right now, but there's no way i'm gonna disturb him to get some food...

To be fair, ceiling fans are pretty cool

Today is an exciting day!  We're going to try to give Maxwell a bottle for the first time.  I don't know why he wouldn't take it, and once he does that means I can start having Joe feed him sometimes, which will be awesome!  I figure I should probably still wake up in the middle of the night and pump when Joe feeds him then, because otherwise I might explode in a milky mess, but that only takes like 15 mins, as opposed to the hour or so that it takes to feed him (the actual feeding part only takes 15 mins, but first I have to wake him up, change his diaper, convince him to please, for the love of God, OPEN YOUR MOUTH BABY!!!!, and then work up enough energy to carry him back to our room to go bed (which usually takes at least 10 mins, although at least by then he's pretty well passed out)).  So we'll see how it goes.

We bought a swing yesterday.  I think he likes it?  He's still too young to smile, so it can be hard to tell when he's happy.  He was calm though, which I guess works.  He still didn't really look at the mobile, which surprised us.  His most favorite thing ever is the ceiling fan.  It doesn't even have to be on.  When he gets fussy we can usually just lay him on his back underneath it and once he catches sight of it he'll just stop, totally transfixed, and stare at it like it's the most amazing thing he's ever seen. I can't wait until he's old enough to start actually playing though.  I want to see him smile and hear him laugh and all that fun stuff!

Muna left a couple days ago.  She was only here for a few days, but it was really nice.  I honestly didn't think having another person here would make that much of a difference, since I'm the only one who can feed him (although that might change after today!), and he eats every hour-2 hours during the day, but it was actually pretty great.  He was the most cranky, crying, screamy baby we'd seen yet the first day she was here though.  I kinda felt bad...  I swear, he's not normally that bad!  Normally he's totally happy during the day, and then gets cranky in the evening, which just requires that we give him a lot more attention (which does make cooking and eating a little tricky), and then has a little freak out right before bed, but that first day she was here, he would not stop crying.  Ugh.  We did almost manage to successfully go out to eat though!  It probably would've been completely successful if the place we went to wasn't sooooo slow.  After waiting 15 mins for our drinks, I told them to go ahead and bring our food out to go, which was a good idea.  He was pretty starving by the time it came.  The food was good though.

I think I say "though" and "which" too much on here.  Maybe I'll work on that....  It's probably more fun to read a blog that's written better.  I mean, I know I'm just to incredibly fascinating that you'll want to read about my life regardless of how poorly written it is, but just think of how much better it'd be if it was actually well written!  That'd be even more amazing than a ceiling fan!

He's a month old today!

How has it already been a month? Didn't I just get home from the hospital yesterday? Every day he changes too.  One day he was all floppy bobble head, now he can hold it up very well.  He's focusing on our eyes now, instead of just some random area in front of him.  He's starting to turn his head to follow ours and is eating and napping more regularly.  All normal baby things, but it's pretty fun to watch how quickly he's growing up. We're still waiting for the first real smile. Babies are so much more fun when they interact with you!

Anyway, I wanted to assure everyone that we're doing great here!  Obviously it's an adjustment, but we're happy.  I'm getting a lot more sleep than most new moms get, which is awesome, although I didn't get much last night.  But then Joe took him downstairs at 6 and let me sleep until 7:30, which was sooo nice. So I feel relatively human. :)

I swear I had lots of things I wanted to talk about on here...  I kinda can't think of anything though.  Hmm.  My neighbor dropped off a bag of mangos from his mom's yard, so I think I'll just go eat one of those.  Maybe the sugar will spark a creative writing streak!

All about baby

Yesterday we had to Maxwell to his two week appointment, and the nurse practitioner mentioned how every visit they'll give us a paper with all his "stats" (length, weight, etc) and how it's great for the baby book.  Then she laughed and commented on how the book for the first baby is always the best, but then the later kids don't ever get one that's filed out.  I told her that we hadn't even written his name in his book yet, but she kept going on about the first baby book is the best.  I think she wasn't really listening too well.  That's ok though, it's not like we need a medical professional to actually listen to us!  She wasn't even the pediatrician, who we never actually met, even after being told "the Doctor will be in in just a couple minutes" and then waiting over half an hour, which wouldn't have been a super huge deal, except that Maxwell was hungry, so he was crying and we were waiting to feed him because the Doc was supposed to be right in.  My point being, we were already a little annoyed at the NP when she started talking about the baby book.  I will try to fill the thing out though!  And while I'm at it, maybe we should print some pictures of him, so we have actual hard copies!  Or, hey, print pictures from our wedding, because we still don't have any.  I mean, we have hem on the flash drive, but we never got our book, and haven't printed any out yet, and since we've been married over a year, that really seems like the kind of thing we should have done by now....

Anyway.  Maxwell's two weeks old!  Actually, two weeks and one day, but whatever, two weeks is close enough.  I'm really looking forward to him being old enough to take bottles, because then I can make Joe get up and feed him occasionally, and I can get some sleep.  I miss sleep...  And for some weird reason I thought that after I gave birth I'd only being one person again, but that was awfully naive.  He's still pretty attached to me.  I feel bad, because he's definitely calmer with me than with Joe, and as Joe points out, most of the time when he's crying there's literally nothing he can do to help, that's all me.  I think he feels a little left out.  But I've started pumping, so soon enough Joe will get to help with feeding, and that should help everything, right?  Joe is way better than me at playing with him though. I'm pretty positive that he's going to smile for him first. All he does with me is sleep and eat, Joe's already the "fun" parent, which is ok. It's very cute to watch.

We are doing pretty well though.  The past two mornings he's thrown up pretty violently, but I think that's kinda normal. He just eats too much in the morning. But again, pumping should help with that, cuz then I wont be as full.  Of course, I could be totally wrong about that, cuz I am totally making this all up as I go along, but isn't that what every parent does?

Speaking of which, when do I start feeling like an actual parent?  Right now it feels more like I have an exceptionally needy pet, not like I'm a mother and he's my son.  I guess it just hasn't hit me yet?

We haven't really sarted using the cloth diapers yet.  We're planning on it, but right now he's just going through too many, and they look so huge on him!   Disposable's are easy, but they do get expensive awfully quickly.  Maybe for now we'll just use the cloth ones at night, when I'm not changing them as often?

Some local friends came over to meet him yesterday.  He was being a perfect angel while they were here, then started screaming about an hour after they left, and didn't stop until we got him to sleep at 8.  9? uh...  Sometime around them, I don't remember. I passed out shortly after him.

Good times!